Spilling the Beans & Living in the Now
Forgive me, friends. It's been a few weeks since my last post, and I feel a bit guilty about that fact as I'd taken a vow to output at least one blog a week. But the fact is, I had a secret. A big secret. A secret that was the backbone of my every thought, was the reason for many of my actions (or as the case may be, inactions), and one that I wanted to scream from the rooftops. But, I couldn't. Because it was "too soon." Too soon for a variety of reasons. And I'm REALLY bad at keeping my own secrets. I'll take yours to the grave. But mine? Nah. I learned a long time ago that it's important to share what's really going on with you, because in doing so, you let people in, and are often able to "release the power" of the things that are bothering you. However, this was a particularly sensitive topic, and one that involved not only me, but my family as well. Last week, we started to spread the news to those outside of our closest friends and family. And now, I can (finally) spill the beans to the world:
We are going to have a baby! A mini Barton-Wall! And we are SO excited!
We found out the day after I ran the Newport Half marathon, which means baby has already run TWO halves, as the Big Sur half was a week after Newport! It was so difficult to keep mum on that news, and to be honest, all I wanted to share/write about was how crappy I was feeling, physically, and how that was affecting my eating & workout habits. And I couldn't do that without spilling the beans. And so, I didn't write. And that really sucked.
But now, here we are. And the irony is, of course, that I am finally, after about six weeks of misery, starting to feel better. I'm no longer nauseous all day, every day. I'm starting to have a little more energy (at least for the past couple of days). And I'm able to stomach my favorite healthy foods again. For several weeks, the only things that sounded even remotely appealing were high carb, high fat, high sugar foods, that before getting pregnant, I would only ever eat extremely rarely. Suddenly I wanted mac and cheese, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and bread constantly! Sometimes I gave in, and sometimes I fought it, but none of that really matters. What matters is that I seem to be coming out of that dark space and into a happier-feel better place.
My workout "habits," or rather, lack thereof was also challenging. I WANTED to workout, but physically I was drained. My body (mostly) said, "Oh, NO. N-O. We're going to lay and binge-watch Netflix. We are NOT, under any circumstances, going to jump & flail about!" And so, I listened. But on the few rare hours that I felt OK enough to do so, I would try to sneak in a short strength training or yoga session.
My goal for the next 6.5 months (give or take a few days!) is to simply do the best that I can. Pregnancy throws you a lot of curveballs (at least in my experience thus far) both mentally and physically. And the best I can do is to take each day as it comes. It's been a true adventure thus far; I really have had no idea how I'm going to feel from day-to-day, and so I've just had to learn to work with what I've got. As the Buddha said, “The past is already gone, the future is not yet here. There's only one moment for you to live, and that is the present moment." I've had to get really comfortable with acceptance of the present moment and all that it brings, and that has made life exciting-- even on my crappiest-feeling days!
I look forward to sharing this journey with you. My plan is to work out throughout this pregnancy and I will be posting some of the workouts so that other moms-to-be (and everyone else!) can use them as well.
Here's to living in the now and relaxing into (instead of fighting) the journey!